My life
by Kage kioku aji tenshi
Summary: I wanted to spend my life with you. Yaoi. Major character death -off screen


Summary: I wanted to spend my life with you

* * *

John looked around the lab for Rodney and sighed when he didn't see him. It had been a week since he had seen the scientist and John had hoped that the scientist would be back and since John had already checked the mess and Rodnry's quarters he had assumed that Rodney would be in the labs.

The rest of the team Rodney had been with had gone to freashen up before debriefing since John had been training with Ronon and Teyla and missed their arrival.

"Hey, Ronon, you see Rodney?" John asked the Setadan when he saw him.

Ronon gave John an unreadable look before shaking his head, "Haven't seen him."

"Send him my way if you do." John said.

"John- " Teyla began but John was already continuing his search.

* * *

John sighed as he trudged to his quarters, the door opening with a swicsh at his weary thought.

He had looked all day but hadn't found seen Rodney, not even a glimpse of him and no one had seen him, not even Radek and everyone had given him a look that John couldn't decipher when he asked.

"Colonal Sheppard." Woolsey said as John entered his quarters, the man already there, waiting for him.

"What are you doing here?" John asked staring at the man.

"It seems that you missed the excitement this morning, Colonal, Dr. Mckay is dead."

John felt his stomach drop.

"He could just be captured, sir, permission to-" John began.

"Colonal Sh-, John, Dr. McKay made it back with the team, he died here, Keller tried her best, his injuries were too many and too severe. I'm sorry."

John sat heavily on his bed, his heart aching.

"Most of his things are being sent back to Earth and his sister, he asked that that he be buried on the mainland and that you have this." Woolsey handed John a small flashdrive.

* * *

John stared at the flashdrive sitting on his bedside table. It felt like the small device was mocking him. He hadn't watched it yet, hadn't even plugged it in.

He had sat through a rather uncomfortable burial ceremony, listening to people who barely knew Rodney speak lies about how they had been friends with him or what a great man they thought he was. And John had just wanted to tell them to shut up and stop because they hadn't said or thought any of the kind words they spoke when Rodney was alive, how could they speak such lies now that he was gone but John kept silent because Jeannie had soaked up the words like she was dying of thirst so, John was silent with his fists clenched at his sides in his dress blues and his face statue still as he glared ahead before he, Teyla, Ronon and Radek carefully lowered the casket into the ground and slowly covered Rodney with dirt.

Then there had been food and reminicing in the mess and John had fled when he had come across a lemon flavored dessert cup because if he didn't he was going to end up hurting someone.

So, now he was sitting on his bed and glaring at an inanimate object like it had personally offended him.

After a while John sighed and stood up, picking up the the flashdrive and Rodney's computer, which Jeannie insisted John keep. John walked down to the pier. Then John set up Rodney's computer and plugged in the flashdrive, hitting the play file since there seemed to be only one.

"Hey, John." Rodney's voice began, an image of the man appearing in a little box on the screen.

Without thinking John enlarged it to full screen, smiling at the image as though they were live chatting.

"So, instead of a Dear John I decided to make a recording. I thought about about making one for Jeannie but I didn't know what to say to her so, I just made one for you. I won't say I'm sorry because knowing me I probably had a reason and it was probably a good reason.

"But you don't care about that and really it doesn't matter anyway, if you're watching this, then I'm either not going to make it back or I did and I died. I don't know if you're watching this before or after the services for me but either way they don't matter, the speeches that is. What matters is Jeannie and Ronon and Teyla and Radek and Atlantis and you.

"Especially you." The image of Rodney looked at John through the screen.

"If you were with me, John, then it's not your fault, and don't you dare blame yourself even if you weren't with me. You can't save everyone, John, not even me, especially me because I certainly don't- didn't need saving.

"You're my best friend, John, and I'm sorry that we didn't have the time to explore this thing between us very much but I'm glad for the moments we did have." The image of Rodney looked down and then looked at John and smiled softly. "There is one thing you ought to know, John." Rodney took a deep breath and let it out, tears falliing down his cheeks as he gazed at John sometimes in the future, a John without him, blaming himself for his death with nothing left to hold onto but Atlantis.

"I wanted to sped my life with you." Rodney chuckled a little. "I guess I did. I'm sorry that you have to live the rets of your without me. " Rodney blinked, "I know you pretended to hate my rants and my working out loud but I left many of my theories on Record for Radek, there's a note in there for him to give them to you to fill the silence if you need help falling asleep, but, John, don't depend on them, don't pretend I'm still there, I'm not and you can't, shouldn't live like that.

"I'll wait for you, John Sheppard, and it better take you a long time, okay?"

John took a shuddering breath as he looked at Rodney on the screen imploring John to live without him.

"Alright, Rodney." John whispered, his fingers caressing the image on the screen where Rodney's cheek was. "I wanted to spend my life with you, too, Rodney."

John gently closed the computer when it became clear that Rodney had no more to say and finally John let the tears fall, Tomorrow he would go back to Ronon, Teyla, and Atlantis but for now John just listened to the waves crashing against the pier. Tomorrow he would go back to work, right now, right now was for him and Rodney and John et the wind dry his tears on his cheeks.

And it felt wrong to sit on this pier in silence but he would have to get used to it because Rodney was gone and all the noise in his life was just gone with him.

"I wanted to spend my life with you, too, Rodney." John whispered into the wind, closing his eyes as he let himself lay back on the pier, legs hanging over the side.

It would be a while before he was okay, if he ever was, but John looked up at the clouds and made a silent promise to Rodney, where ever he was, that he would wait as long as he could before joining Rodney.


End file.
